Christmas Gifts

So with Christmas a mere 24 days away I thought it time I begin my letter to Santa(Yep Hubby this means you!)

Dear Santa, I have been a very good girl this year, only spending your money on truly necessary items. (You know that I couldn't live without those Prada boots) I haven't used many swear words (when talking about you) in my conversation and I even let you watch football on your 52" TV instead of Lifetime movies most Sundays. The house was clean that one week we weren't home and I only left the kids in the backyard unattended those six times. In light of my good behavior I think I deserve some great presents.

I know there's been a great PSA this year about PAP Smears, but really I don't need one for Christmas, you gave me one for our anniversary, remember?

Instead can I have that diamond studded bra we saw in the Victoria Secret catalogue, you know which one I'm talking about. I don't need the matching panties, I think the studs might cause chaffing.
Also since I've been sooo good this year I think I deserve a full length cashmere bathrobe. I know its a little impractical, but I've been really good. Besides you really need to make up for Christmas 2003. You remember, the year you gave me a laser hair removal gift certificate. Yeah that went over about as well as a fart in a whirl wind, when we got married you knew I preferred the European look, but because I love you so much I went and had those little hairs from you know where removed. I was wondering what Ken was getting Barbie and then I remembered that there's really nothing he can get her, she has it all. I don't want it all, just most. So to make it easier I have included a list of things that I "DON'T" want this year or any other.

1. Squirrel feet earrings (even if you shot the squirrel yourself, I don't need the memory)
2. A new vacuum
3. Tickets to a Raiders game
4. A gym membership
5. New mattress
6. Flannel Pajamas
7. Cookbooks (if you don't like my cooking quit asking me for dinner)
8. Riding lawnmower
9. The clapper, Chia pets, or anything else that might have been endorsed by Billy Mayes (may he rest in peace)
10. Something you think your mom would love


Should you feel the need to purchase any of the above items as Christmas gifts please include a new Remington 1100 shotgun and a bulletproof vest for yourself.

Sincerely,
Your well behaved and much deserving wife

Hollywood Holidays

Ok, so we've all watched those stupid and sappy holiday movies where the dad is in a hideous sweater standing at the head of the table getting ready to carve the perfect turkey and thanking their family for being there, while a gentle snowfall is seen out the window behind him.


Reality check people. Its not all perfect turkey and happy family. In fact I think sometimes the holidays would be better if there were no family. For instance this year instead of making that dreaded journey to my mother-in-laws or my husband's mother-in-laws (yep, this is you mom) we skipped all the family fanfair and left town. Not only did we leave town, but we went to an area where Ugly holiday sweaters are illegal! Oh and that light dusting of snow outside the window didn't exhist either. Let me tell you how much more fun the holidays are if you boycot that whole Hollywood facade.

Try going to Marie Callendars for their turkey dinner. Sure its $20 a person, but you don't have to fight that little white haired lady in the bakery for the last marble rye, you don't have to spend hours cleaning your house before your family showes up, and there's not cleaning when everyone leaves. (They have a bus boy for the cleanup) You just order your dinner and then leave a nice tip on the table before you leave. Hell they'll give you dessert to go if you ask nicely.

Well what do you do when dinner is done. You don't have to fight Uncle Bob for a place to crash on the couch. There's no family traditions because you left all of that and them back home.

Here's the real holiday in easy steps:

1. Get hotel room reservations and tell no one in the family where you are going. If anyone asks tell them your thinking of cooking dinner at your house this year, but you need to check with your husband first


2. Call Marie Callendars and get a reservation. (Seriously, your not the only one avoiding the whole Hollywood Holiday and that place fills up fast)

3. Pack your suitcase. (Leave the ugly sweaters at home, remember they are illegal)

4. Bring a swimsuit and beach towels.

5. Sneak out of town at 5 a.m. when none of your family members will suspect your departure

6. Oops, you seem to have forgot your cell phone. (Unless you want to send pictures to all the suckers at home having that Hollywood Holiday)

7. When you return and your family wants to know why you disappeared, tell them it was a last minute decision.

But seriously if you had the choice between sitting at the kids table and spending the holiday with 20 of your closest family members and that poor single girl who works with your Aunt Mildred or sitting on the beach watching waves crash in a skimpy two piece bikini, watching that hunk of a man you get to sleep with tonight, which would you choose?

Hmmm, I wonder.