Monday, November 30, 2009

Hollywood Holidays

Ok, so we've all watched those stupid and sappy holiday movies where the dad is in a hideous sweater standing at the head of the table getting ready to carve the perfect turkey and thanking their family for being there, while a gentle snowfall is seen out the window behind him.

Reality check people. Its not all perfect turkey and happy family. In fact I think sometimes the holidays would be better if there were no family. For instance this year instead of making that dreaded journey to my mother-in-laws or my husband's mother-in-laws (yep, this is you mom) we skipped all the family fanfair and left town. Not only did we leave town, but we went to an area where Ugly holiday sweaters are illegal! Oh and that light dusting of snow outside the window didn't exhist either. Let me tell you how much more fun the holidays are if you boycot that whole Hollywood facade.

Try going to Marie Callendars for their turkey dinner. Sure its $20 a person, but you don't have to fight that little white haired lady in the bakery for the last marble rye, you don't have to spend hours cleaning your house before your family showes up, and there's not cleaning when everyone leaves. (They have a bus boy for the cleanup) You just order your dinner and then leave a nice tip on the table before you leave. Hell they'll give you dessert to go if you ask nicely.

Well what do you do when dinner is done. You don't have to fight Uncle Bob for a place to crash on the couch. There's no family traditions because you left all of that and them back home.

Here's the real holiday in easy steps:

1. Get hotel room reservations and tell no one in the family where you are going. If anyone asks tell them your thinking of cooking dinner at your house this year, but you need to check with your husband first

2. Call Marie Callendars and get a reservation. (Seriously, your not the only one avoiding the whole Hollywood Holiday and that place fills up fast)

3. Pack your suitcase. (Leave the ugly sweaters at home, remember they are illegal)

4. Bring a swimsuit and beach towels.

5. Sneak out of town at 5 a.m. when none of your family members will suspect your departure

6. Oops, you seem to have forgot your cell phone. (Unless you want to send pictures to all the suckers at home having that Hollywood Holiday)

7. When you return and your family wants to know why you disappeared, tell them it was a last minute decision.

But seriously if you had the choice between sitting at the kids table and spending the holiday with 20 of your closest family members and that poor single girl who works with your Aunt Mildred or sitting on the beach watching waves crash in a skimpy two piece bikini, watching that hunk of a man you get to sleep with tonight, which would you choose?

Hmmm, I wonder.

Monday, November 23, 2009

Reverse Racism

I must start this little note with some background knowledge for the reader. Back in March of 2009 my son's preschool thought it would be a great idea to hatch some chickens from eggs. Long story short they moved in with us. I have spent the last 9 months raising these chickens. It started out really simple. Put the chicks in a box with a lamp for heat. Ha, did you know that if you don't turn they light off, they don't know its time for bed. So they are outside in their box at 12:00 A.M. chirping and squeaking under my bedroom window. Let me tell you, the husband was thrilled about this! Time goes by and my boys are having fun playing with them, but they want to show them to grandma on a web call. Great, now I have chicken who poop at will hovering over my laptop keyboard. Its ok, they held it in. The boys bring them in to watch cartoons and hang out in my family room. Ok, buy now they are a little big to be "lap" chickens.
Did I mention there are 5 of them. Yep, that's right 5 chickens, and no we don't live in the country, we are right here in town. (Oops, don't tell anyone) So I know your wondering what kind of chickens I have. Well I have 3 red ones and 2 black ones. No I don't know thier breed, it wasn't written on the egg before it hatched. So we needed to name them. At first they were just 1, 2, 3, 4, and 5; but seriously those names are lame so they got new ones.

At this time I'd like to introduce you to Michelle Obama, Oprah Winfrey, Reba Macintyre, Wynnona Judd, and Lucy Ball; of course at home we don't use their last names.

So now begins the tribulations with regard to reverse racism. At first I thought the chickens just didn't like dogs. They chased a lonely Chiuaua out of the yard. Seriously what kind of dog is scared of a chicken? The blue jays that use to sit in the grass, can't stop and rest their wings for fear of being attacked by my 5 girls. Ok so birds of a feather flock together...or so we thought. I went out back just the other day and well since my chickens own the yard and refuse to stay in their coop I went to see what they were doing. Reba and Wynonna were eating what was left of the pumpkin plant in the garden and Michelle and Oprah were pulling feathers from Lucy's neck. What the hell. So I yelled at Michelle and Oprah and put them in timeout for awhile. We do not pick fights. So after a discussion about playing nice with the other gals in the yard I let Mrs. Obama and Mrs. Winfery out on good behavior. You'd think they had learned their lessons right. Nope as soon as it was dinner time those two fat asses started a fight with Reba. Here's Reba wasting away while Michelle and Oprah gorge themselves. The least they could have done is kept the food from Wynonna (the other lard ass in the yard). So why is this? I think my black chickens are racist. They don't want any chickens except black chickens in the yard. This will not do, we do not condone racism in our home. So the solution to most of you would be just eat Michelle and Oprah right? WRONG! These are members of my family. The two racist ladies in the family will begin seeing a counselor and if that doesn't work, well, I guess I'll buy some red spray paint and give Michelle and Oprah a new look.

Thursday, November 19, 2009

People in Control

Why is it when you give a person the smallest inkling of control they think they can rule the world and the way you live in it. For example an employee realizes that their boss is useless and really does nothing all day long and they make a casual comment to another coworker about their observation. One would think that the coworker (in this instance we'll call her Mary) would acknowledge the comment and know that her coworker is just blowing off steam. But what if Mary is an ass kissing brown noser who instead runs straight to the boss? Now we have a problem. Mary has gone to the boss and taken ammunition straight from your mouth with her. (the only thing that could make this moment worse is a tape recorder in Mary's pocket when you were talking) So if you were the boss what would you do? Well since you have that little bit of control, you obviously call in the employee and confront him/her not knowing the circumstances of the said conversation between him/her and Mary.

So that takes us back to the power and control problem. Now the boss has the control and power and you the employee who was venting off some steam and relieving a little stress are at their mercy. What now? Do you kiss your bosses ass and beg for mercy?

  • HELL NO!

  • You deny EVERYTHING!

  • And I do mean EVERYTHING!

  • You have no clue what crazy Mary is talking about (she's been going through a hard time and is probably drinking again)

Ok, so we think the problem is solved right. You've denied everything until you are blue in the face and maybe your boss believes you. There's still a few problems.

  1. Your boss still has the control and power. You now have a target on your back and are being watched like never before.

  2. Your boss still has the control and power, and s/he is still useless

  3. You can't trust Mary any longer

Well, short of putting liquor bottles in your bosses desk and a dead body under their car in the parking lot there really isn't much we can do about numbers 1 and 2. Ah, but number 3 will be fun!

How do we deal with Mary? At this point she probably doesn't know that the boss had a stern conversation with you and you were written up, and if she suspects she can't confirm (unless she was standing outside the door with a cup against it) We all remember that old adage "Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer" lets roll with that.

Lets make nice with Mary, after all, the nicer you are to her the more she lets her guard down. Who knows maybe one day she'll have a bad day and need to vent. Luckily for you, you just purchased a new pen size tape recorder. She'll never know what hit her.