Dear Santa, I have been a very good girl this year, only spending your money on truly necessary items. (You know that I couldn't live without those Prada boots) I haven't used many swear words (when talking about you) in my conversation and I even let you watch football on your 52" TV instead of Lifetime movies most Sundays. The house was clean that one week we weren't home and I only left the kids in the backyard unattended those six times. In light of my good behavior I think I deserve some great presents.
I know there's been a great PSA this year about PAP Smears, but really I don't need one for Christmas, you gave me one for our anniversary, remember?
Instead can I have that diamond studded bra we saw in the Victoria Secret catalogue, you know which one I'm talking about. I don't need the matching panties, I think the studs might cause chaffing.
Also since I've been sooo good this year I think I deserve a full length cashmere bathrobe. I know its a little impractical, but I've been really good. Besides you really need to make up for Christmas 2003. You remember, the year you gave me a laser hair removal gift certificate. Yeah that went over about as well as a fart in a whirl wind, when we got married you knew I preferred the European look, but because I love you so much I went and had those little hairs from you know where removed. I was wondering what Ken was getting Barbie and then I remembered that there's really nothing he can get her, she has it all. I don't want it all, just most. So to make it easier I have included a list of things that I "DON'T" want this year or any other.
1. Squirrel feet earrings (even if you shot the squirrel yourself, I don't need the memory)
2. A new vacuum
3. Tickets to a Raiders game
4. A gym membership
5. New mattress
6. Flannel Pajamas
7. Cookbooks (if you don't like my cooking quit asking me for dinner)
8. Riding lawnmower
9. The clapper, Chia pets, or anything else that might have been endorsed by Billy Mayes (may he rest in peace)
10. Something you think your mom would love
Should you feel the need to purchase any of the above items as Christmas gifts please include a new Remington 1100 shotgun and a bulletproof vest for yourself.
Sincerely,
Your well behaved and much deserving wife
I would like to add - if anyone DOES give you squirrel feet earrings - you're AB.SO.LUTELY sending them to me!!!
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