Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Driving like a soccer mom

Definition of a Soccer mom:  (noun) An American mother living in the suburbs whose time is often spent transporting her children from one athletic activity or event to another.

Yep, that sounds about right.  I am that soccer mom.  Back in the 90's soccer moms drove their mini-vans from one practice to the next like the devil was chasing them.  Times have changed a little as the years have gone by.  Soccer moms no longer drive mini-vans, those have been reserved for hip grandparents who aren't ready to settle down and buy that Buick.  Soccer moms of today drive huge gas guzzling SUV's, yes even those hybrid variations.  Why?  Because they are so way cooler then a minivan and they're huge.  You can seriously mow down a small community of lawn gnomes in one of those things.  And they'll still hold half the soccer team, the dry cleaning, a weeks worth of groceries and the golden retriever.  So they better question is why wouldn't you want one?

Anyway to get back on track:  As I'm doing about 95 down the highway passing compact cars and semi-trucks it hits me, I'm such an awesome driver.  I mean seriously, who else beside a soccer mom can make it across town with two kids who are changing into practice gear, pick up everything for a nice home cooked dinner and get the dog from the groomers in under 10 minutes?  Again, I am so totally awesome.  I should start a driving school for other moms who are needing to learn the skills of a trained soccer mom.

There could be such a variety of different classes

  • Driving 101

          This class would be just beginning basics.  You know how to push that skinny little pedal through the floor board to maximize your speed.  Maybe have some cardboard cutout of children in the middle of the street for those times you need to swerve as you going 60 through a residential area.  And of course that basic parallel park using the emergency brake at high speeds.

  • Multitasking on the freeway

Most men don't realize the skill it takes to drive a car with more then one screaming child in the backseat, while you apply makeup, adjust the volume of the stereo to drown out the kids, and not get caught on your cell phone calling your girlfriends to make sure your on for happy hour because the dog ate your blue tooth again.  This class would help so many women out there who just don't make the best use of their time while driving.

  • 3 kids and 3 practices

An easy class showing beginning moms how to get all of their children and any tag alongs to ballet, soccer and karate at the three different locations with the crazy practice schedule intact. 

Ballet starts at 3pm and ends at 4pm,  Soccer starts at 3pm and ends at 4:30pm and Karate starts at 4:15pm and ends at 4:45pm.  This class would show those new moms how to maximize time and have all the kids at practice not to early and god forbid, they be the last ones picked up.

  • Getting the most use of your SUV's storage space

There is a reason we bought that beautiful 13mpg SUV.  (Contrary to what the neighbors think, it isn't because Karen down the street got one first)  Those things hold so much, if you know how to pack them, and that's without the roof rack.  This class could focus on how you get the kids and all their sports gear in the car, along with your latest purchase from Costco and the fighting issue is not an issue at all, because everyone has enough space and no one is touching the other.

Yep, bet I could make a fortune teaching other moms how to truly be that soccer mom. 

For this family soccer season ended about a month ago, I still have those soccer mom instincts on the highway.  And were getting ready to start indoor soccer in March.  After the holidays there will be more then soccer to worry about.  The boys are going to start music lessons, T-ball, football, Kung-fu (again) and of course soccer season officially starts in the fall.  In all that down time I have while driving, I think I'm gonna start working on a business plan for a soccer mom driving academy, after all, I am a totally awesome driver!(Just ask my insurance agent)

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